Too Late

Sheesh its too late for me now. Seems I'm in a bit of a mood now. After the last post, I went diving in DA looking for anything to give me company. Just as I do that I tend to get into a mood.

I want to lay down, but I'm not tired. I want to play a game, but I don't feel up to it. I could go driving around, but where is there to go. I feel like jacking off, but I don't feel like looking at anything. *Sigh* I tend to get like this when I look inside. This kind of empty feeling takes hold.

Another Day

So here I am, on yet another day all by myself with nothing to do. And most importantly, no one to do anything with. *Sigh*

I wonder if there is anything wrong with me? I do sometimes feel like I'm missing something. Its like when someone tells a joke and everyone laughs, except you. I'm left wondering if this is where things are supposed to be at. If there was something else or someplace else I could be. The world is a huge place, and yet I've got no one.

Though thats not to say I'm completely alone. There are those who I talk to, those who even talk back, but I wonder if we were to meet in person, would we be friends. I wish for those who I feel comfortable with, for those who I can be myself around. Someone to tell my secrets too. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours. hahaha yea even someone to lay down with. But most importantly, people who I can have fun with.

I miss having fun. I miss a lot of things. And then there are things I haven't even experienced. I miss them too.

I'm just missed all together. That see-through fellow in the back, or even in the front. I'm the nice guy that gets forgotten. The one who can't speak out or even be heard. I'm just me. Alone and left on the side.

technorati tags: Personal Life

Recap

Ok I know I haven't posted in a while, and thats my fault. You see I did try to, but something wacked happened and I lost my post(never trust beta software). I needless to say I was to lazy after that to try again. Just to recap: 1) Was part of protest rally located in downtown San Antonio. 2) Found a job near the physics department.

Now while that was meant for last week, of course there has been new developments. I got sick is one of them. I woke up Monday morning to only clench my stomach in agony. I had this stomach virus that left me in really bad shape. So that put off my meeting with a professor friend of mine that I've been meaning to meet up with. Funny, the week before we couldn't meet because she hurt her foot. Not funny, but you know, the irony.

Anyways we finally met up this morning and we talked about all sorts of stuff. One of the things I was left thinking about was how I can go off on tangents that build up to giant extremes before just going off like a bomb. They usually involve me thinking about the world, life, and such. I tend to go off into multi-dimensional space a million trillion billion lightyears off, but the shear size of this thing that gets built up in my mind it just too much for my mere human neural net to hold and *!poof!* Its all gone in a million pieces. Many of which just end up in the uncharted domains of my mind, so when I try to pick up the pieces to learn what the hell I just did, end really quickly.

I catch glimpses of things, but they dont remain, not even in memory. Just the vague feeling of once knowing, of slight familiarity.

So thats it for now.

technorati tags: Personal Philosophy and Life

Dreams

You know in dreams how most of the time it’s all just visual images and emotions? Well it’s the times when physical sensations come into play that make them more memorable, and I don’t mean in just that way, hehe. Also, I don’t know how it is for most of you all, but I’m guessing that the way you look in your dreams is how you look in life. That residual self image they were talking about in the Matrix. Well, I’m not sure what mine is just yet, and that makes being overweight a problem. I look in the mirror and I don’t see myself, but I am looking at me. But that’s beyond what I’m here to talk about.

You see I’ve been having some more memorable dreams lately and I just felt like telling someone. The first part of the dream (since dreams come in many parts, or if you are luck, they form a single story) I’m in the form of an Olympic runner from Kenya, but I’m my own skin color (Like that matters, but that’s just how it was). I was in the middle of this abandoned apartment complex in the middle of the desert. Had the feel as if it survived a nuclear attack (which I might add I have died from one before, it wasn’t that pleasant, and it disproved the myth). The concrete was crumbling and the ground was dry sand devoid of any life except for little dead tuffs of grass. Though there were the rattlesnakes that made this place their home. Seems my form came in handy, since everywhere I went to explore, there were snakes to chase me off. With my long strong slender legs, I would leap into the air and almost fly for a time. There was no fear, like a nightmare, just a need to not get bitten. I’ve also got to say that flying it a very fun experience, and I feel pity for those who haven’t had the pleasure of leaving behind gravity.

Well if you didn’t guess it, there is a second part of the dream. I’m in a room getting a bed ready, not just for me, but this girl who happens to be there too. We lay there in the dim light and well we just about had it. We just jump on each other and start making out. The thing that makes this memorable, besides the obvious, is that I could really feel our lips and tongues touch. I’ve had physical encounters with others in dreams, and it’s always weird. I always wake up with the sense that there was really someone there.

There is one more dream to tell of. While I had fallen asleep the day before on the sofa in the den, I had a dream where just plain weird things happened. In my dream I was on the sofa in the exact same room, just was laying in the opposite direction. This figure that I first thought was my dad, came up to me and grabbed my ankle. I laughed a bit, but that quickly faded since I became paralyzed and found it hard to breath. Since it was a dream, my point of view changed so that I could see what was attacking me, though with my eyes closed it was like looking through a thick cloth. There were no colors to see, but this figure was dark, like it had a very dark aura around it. This dark figure was tall and of slight build and for some reason wanted me unconscious.

I wasn’t really fearful, just struggling. Though once I realized that I really couldn’t breath (both in the dream and physically), I really started to fight it. Then like a pop, my airways opened and I could breath. At that moment, I was in a state of superposition. I was laying on the sofa in both directions at the same time. Very weird.

technorati tags: Personal, Dreams

Introspective Session 1

How do I say this? Simply I was just looking through old files of some writings of mine that made me remember the somewhat old days. The days when I had a shadow that I held under lock and key, though those days are over. I feel a bit more complete because of it, though not completely whole just yet. My shadow is everything that I had removed from my soul as being unclean and evil and vile.

I know the day my shadow was born, and I know of how my shadow matured in the womb of perception. Feeding on thoughts and ideas that I downed without fulling understanding them, without even knowing them. It started with rage, then regret, and then just dull pain of a time when I did something I perceived as wrong. I held it in my heart as an example of how people can do bad things, just an idea that I accepted without thinking, before I, myself, had begun my individualization.

And then there he was, once I was conscience of myself in a more complete way. There was no birthing event, no labor pains, just there in an instance of realization. He sat there in my sub-conscience mind, a parasite feeding off of my own maturation. Once I began my search for knowledge, I became ever more aware of myself and him, though I still held misconceptions in my mind.

Not until I found a girl, in a way of sorts, and we had a strange relationship which finally came to a head one night. She found me in my dark space and proceeded to lift me into her light. While I had the knowledge, I still didn't have understanding. There was nothing I could throw this knowledge at. Then she poked and prodded at my mind until she unlocked my shadow in a burst of fire.

I know I changed since my feeling of the event isn't one of regret or pain, but just of more understanding. She made me face my shadow and well, lets just say things didn't turn out like she hoped. She thought I would be released, but my shadow is just that, mine! Now as my shadow types for me, I feel that feeling of pure being, to an extent. We still are not completely one, like I said. Pieces of understanding are still missing. Only through more knowledge and then understanding that knowledge will we grow into a more complete being. One that is not bound by silly issues of morality based on archaic systems of irrational thought, but one that is free. A true individual.

Though there are still other things, things that come from my instinctual nature that can never be fully suppressed. My longing for a mate, that someone(s) special. The 's' is there incase its a different world later on. Love is something I feel is not bound by the Law of Conservation. It can be happily created and sadly destroyed at will.

technorati tags: Personal, Magick