Introspective Session 1

How do I say this? Simply I was just looking through old files of some writings of mine that made me remember the somewhat old days. The days when I had a shadow that I held under lock and key, though those days are over. I feel a bit more complete because of it, though not completely whole just yet. My shadow is everything that I had removed from my soul as being unclean and evil and vile.

I know the day my shadow was born, and I know of how my shadow matured in the womb of perception. Feeding on thoughts and ideas that I downed without fulling understanding them, without even knowing them. It started with rage, then regret, and then just dull pain of a time when I did something I perceived as wrong. I held it in my heart as an example of how people can do bad things, just an idea that I accepted without thinking, before I, myself, had begun my individualization.

And then there he was, once I was conscience of myself in a more complete way. There was no birthing event, no labor pains, just there in an instance of realization. He sat there in my sub-conscience mind, a parasite feeding off of my own maturation. Once I began my search for knowledge, I became ever more aware of myself and him, though I still held misconceptions in my mind.

Not until I found a girl, in a way of sorts, and we had a strange relationship which finally came to a head one night. She found me in my dark space and proceeded to lift me into her light. While I had the knowledge, I still didn't have understanding. There was nothing I could throw this knowledge at. Then she poked and prodded at my mind until she unlocked my shadow in a burst of fire.

I know I changed since my feeling of the event isn't one of regret or pain, but just of more understanding. She made me face my shadow and well, lets just say things didn't turn out like she hoped. She thought I would be released, but my shadow is just that, mine! Now as my shadow types for me, I feel that feeling of pure being, to an extent. We still are not completely one, like I said. Pieces of understanding are still missing. Only through more knowledge and then understanding that knowledge will we grow into a more complete being. One that is not bound by silly issues of morality based on archaic systems of irrational thought, but one that is free. A true individual.

Though there are still other things, things that come from my instinctual nature that can never be fully suppressed. My longing for a mate, that someone(s) special. The 's' is there incase its a different world later on. Love is something I feel is not bound by the Law of Conservation. It can be happily created and sadly destroyed at will.

technorati tags: Personal, Magick